Spoiler level: Moderate
National Treasure: Book of Secrets is maybe the dumbest movie I have ever seen. And I’ve seen that movie where Whoopi Goldberg and a T-Rex fight crime.
BoS posits itself as a sort of modern Indiana Jones with a decidedly family-friendly sensibility. But Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the all-time great action scripts, exploding with clever plotting and witty dialogue, and manages to make the impossible seem, well, possible. BoS, on the other hand, has some of the laziest writing and plotting you can imagine. I’ll give you an example. There may be some minor spoilers.
Nicolas Cage’s history-lovin’ treasure hunter, Ben Gates, needs some information that can only be found in the titular book, a possibly mythological tome which contains the most classified information in our country’s history, and to which only the President has access. Gates cooks up a plan to get the book, and somehow (with powers left over from Next perhaps?) correctly foresees that all of the following will happen: a) the Secret Service agent at a party the President is attending will not be suspicious of Gates when he stumbles out of the woods and will admit him into the party; b) the President will just be doddering around this party aimlessly; c) the President will know who Gates is and be interested in a map he has showing underground passages below the hotel where the party is; d) the President will immediately want to explore said passages and take Gates along with him; e) the President will tell his Secret Service bodyguards to wait outside the secret cave, and they will comply; f) after he has been kidnapped by Gates, the President will still tell him about the book and where it’s located.
I’m serious when I say this is dumber than a sneaker-wearing T-Rex cop. At least Theodore Rex acknowledges that it takes place in an alternate universe. BoS, on the other hand, thinks it is set in our own universe, and in our universe, THERE’S NO FREAKING WAY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO GO TROMPING AROUND SOME UNDERGROUND TUNNELS WITH NICOLAS CAGE!! *whew* Sorry about that. It’s just that that is only one example in a sea of ridiculously contrived setups. For instance, there are apparently no security cameras and no guards in The White House, Library of Congress, or Buckingham Palace. Feel free to rustle through the Queen’s things – who’s going to stop you? Oh, and here’s a handy tip – if Ed Harris is ever holding you at gunpoint, just tell him to leave the gun and his henchmen behind, and he will, without even arguing about it. It really works!
I suppose I would be more inclined to overlook these, uh, plot developments if the story were more engrossing, but it’s so simple-minded that the brain tends to wander. The main thrust of the film is Gates trying to clear his ancestor’s name in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, while a sneering, Southern-drawling Harris tries to stop him, using every PG-rated means at his disposal. Along the way, we get not one but two bickering couples who rekindle their romance while picking fake spiderwebs out of their hair and pouring Aquafina on rocks (at least they’re not drinking the stuff…). Plus, there’s some “comic relief” courtesy of Ben’s associate Riley, played by Gigli’s Justin Bartha, who seems embarrassed to be spewing out endless lame bon mots, like some sort of sidekick robot with a quip switch permanently locked to “on.” Steve Zahn did the goofy, wisecracking, de-sexualized buddy thing much better in Sahara. Yup, Sahara, which is like The Treasure of the Sierra Madre compared to this mess.
Look, I’m all for escapist fun, and, I won’t lie, watching Academy Award winner Helen Mirren swing over a bottomless chasm clutching Academy Award winner Jon Voight has some undeniable appeal. But this is inexcusably lazy, paint-by-numbers filmmaking, with absolutely no passion or reason for existence beyond hoovering up some holiday B.O. loot. There are a lot of really worthwhile movies playing right now – Juno, No Country for Old Men, Atonement, just to name a few. These films crackle with wit and originality that make BoS feel downright depressing by comparison. Give your brain a holiday treat – skip the gaudy Treasure, and take in one of these gems instead.
